James Miles

In February 2012 I learnt Transcendental Meditation. It changed my life.

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At the age of 33 I was in my fifth year back in education. Four months into a Chemistry Masters I had to give an introductory research presentation for my peers and professors of department: to some 60 or 70 people in a classical lecture theatre. I'd always been a shy person, though talking one to one was OK, but talking to groups I found an intense struggle. So this was terrifying.

 

Rewind four years to my Access to Higher Education course (re-equipping adult students for University). An earlier presentation, an equally deep terror. The subject was my new found love of the periodic table.  However, within less than one minute of starting, I was apologising and running out of the classroom, into the toilet cubicles where I started to cry. Never liking total attention (although at the same time wanting it), I was overcome by the pressure of beading analysis. I was unable to construct and convey what I wanted to say and was swallowed by fear. At 28 years of age, I couldn't believe these unbearable situations were still happening. Fortunately, I got to do the presentation the following week, and made it through. In fact, the desire to overcome fear was a major motivation for my return to education. 

 

And then, over four years later: the same pressure, but on a bigger scale, despite all that study and total familiarity with the environment.

 

I had a problem in life: I wasn’t happy. For a very long time things had not felt good. I never felt like me/myself. As time passed I had become a more intense ball of anxiety, acting and copying, stuttering and struggling, pushing and striving to become myself. I was paralysed by confusion, anxiety, depression and too much sensitivity, unable to do and be what I wanted. I would constantly search, trying to find ways to stop the feeling of life wasting away, driven by it. Thinking, surely there’s more to life than this endless struggle and uncomfortableness. This was not me.

 

Somehow I knew the ‘real me’ existed, the well-functioning one, the one who can do anything I need. But I couldn’t get there or be there. I lived as if my ‘insides’ were not there. I was just a shell. My life had become an act. I was submerged in what felt such a fundamental problem in life and my prime objective was to overcome it.

 

I would often think: "How can this complicated system of our human physiology (not to say the whole of the Universe!) function so beautifully?” For example, human homeostasis involves every layer of functioning from the nervous, cardiovascular, endocrine systems to the organs within them, skin, heart, brain, spinal cord etc. Deepening layers of tissue, cells, organelles, proteins, all working in perfect synergy. Deeper into matter still, to molecules and atoms, where the interests of a chemistry student come alive; where all manner of complicated chemical reactions take place in the body. This functioning is mind-blowing, before even mentioning where physicians can go. And then, we can move from considering classical mechanics to consider the completely different laws of nature in the quantum world. How can the Universe compute all of this and I myself have trouble simply ordering my thoughts to chat to someone I've never met before, or even someone I know well, not to mention presenting to a group of people?

 

One evening I was at a Life Drawing class, trying to get back to the enjoyment of drawing I'd experienced, aged 12. I was telling this guy sitting next to me, Leighton Stagg , about my problem regarding the up-coming presentation. He said he'd learnt Transcendental Meditation (or TM) a few months earlier and was finding it really helpful to his life in many ways and suggested that I should start.

 

So on to Google I went, and there I found the local TM website. Reading sentences mentioning inner peace, inner calm, I thought "Oh, another self-help technique!" the kind of thing I'd never taken any interest in. "Simplicity" and "effortlessness" were  mentioned and I thought, how can something so simple offer such miraculous solutions: "increased concentration, clarity of mind, energy, happiness, plus health and relationship benefits"? It all seemed too good to be true. Here I was, striving to better myself and the world around me, engulfed within postgraduate scientific research, intensely inquiring cutting-edge journals and papers, surrounded by top world class scientists …but, was my education working? Was I succeeding? Was I fulfilled? Was I happy? Was I becoming me? No, I never felt I was at my best and I was still full of fear.

The website also referenced over 400 scientific papers from the last 40 years, researching the positive effects of TM, from 100 different institutes around the globe in the fields of physiology, psychology and sociology . The science caught my attention. Also Leighton, from the drawing class, was posting up a lot on Facebook and the positive effects people were talking about were serious.

 

So I rang the TM Centre and went along for the free Introductory talk, offered to anyone interested in learning TM. This is where the long story filters in. I met the teacher and as we sat down, she started to talk of Transcendental Meditation. It recalled a time for me about 13 years prior when I was around the age of 20 and I was attending a lot of yoga classes. One day as I was in a class I hit a period  of extreme stability, understanding and oneness within myself and everything in life. I thought this is how life should be. It faded though, only lasting a couple of weeks, but the experience and memory of what seemed a truer reality of life was never far from me. As the TM teacher carried on I became increasingly intrigued by what she said and I think most importantly I felt extremely good and confident about her. So I decided to learn.

 

I learnt on a Saturday morning and in the afternoon I was with a friend in a coffee shop. Again I'd always found public places overwhelming and uncomfortable. I remember sitting there and all of a sudden everything around me just ‘dropped', the roughness and intensity of the environment I normally experienced dissolved away. I simply found myself sitting there enjoying. Normally the chatter of the environment I'd find intruding, but now again I simply enjoyed. People's gazes which would have rifled me with intimidation, now…nothing…gone. And I was enjoying the conversation with my friend very much. I felt very settled in myself, everything was light and smooth. We effortlessly came up with solutions to problems we were discussing. It was very beautiful.

So from the "off" I did what the teacher recommended, being regularly with my 20 minutes Transcendental Meditation, morning and evening. 

 

At this point in time I'd been in weekly Psychotherapy for coming up to ten years, hoping to overcome the anxiety, depression and confusion of my life and become all I want. This seemed the right course, for, as a child I had been extremely shy and sensitive and had found most interactions overwhelming. I would always worry in school, especially about others, and their problems. I'd been led to believe that Psychotherapy would help with the furthering away from myself brought on by adolescence, and the acting I'd employed to hide these worries, and to fit in.

 

For, when I left school at 16 to go to six form college and work at the same time, I really had no direction and worries and concerns were swept under the carpet and covered up with drink, drugs and all manner of activities. Without them life was void and I was lost. Not to say I didn't have a good time, but those became less and the underlying problems became worse, and my academic performance fell off. With the ending of a 3-4 year long relationship and at the age of twenty four, I was worse than ever and so I sought help in the form of Psychotherapy.

 

This definitely helped, up to a point. I kicked the bad habits, went back to college to find new direction, completed the Access course second time around, and got into a very good University. I completed a BSc at the age of 32 and got on to a Masters programme. The thing was though after 10 years of striving to be happy and live a ‘good and right' life …I still wasn't the real me. 

 

From the outside and on the surface my achievements looked good, but I still possessed all the inner conflicts which I'd learnt to control and contain. I was full of fear and my relationship with my parents was taut …and had been for far too long. Yet here I landed, 4 months into the Master programme, and deep in panic. 

So when I learnt Transcendental Meditation, the problems with worry, fear, anxiety, confusion, and depression all started to lift. How could this be? It was like darkness disappearing with the shining of light upon it.

Within two months of learning TM I'd quit the therapy. Halfway through that last session it became clear to both my therapist and myself: there were no problems to talk about. I'd found what was missing in my life, and fundamental to it…a security and identity far beyond words and concepts. An inner core of peace.

 

When your mind finds pure consciousness, transcendental consciousness, the state of being, the source of thinking, nirvana, the Self (with a big S), the unifield field, a fourth state of consciousness (Keith Wallace, Harvard University 1970) (many other names have been used over time by scientist, philophers, artists, writers etc.), then a human being’s big search is over. It is the nature of the mind to want more and more, better this, better that, but external factors and materialism (alone) never fully satisfied or fully fulfil, it is momentary. When the mind is pointed inwards and delves and reaches pure consciousness, inner being (we are human BEINGS) then its search is over. By its very nature it's Self fulfilling. Your Self is fulfilling. I had found mySELF. I had found what I was looking for, the void, the nothingness that was so apparent in my life was profoundly disappearing. TM was the fundamental solution to all my problems and it was the most beautiful and simplest of techniques for it.

 

I meditate 20 minutes morning and evening, diving in and coming out, and just carrying on with life, not trying to do anything differently. Not only were problems disappearing but I was becoming very happy, confident and creative in life. I was no longer paralysed and bound.

 

Work at Uni became easier. I was together in all areas of my life. My brain was just working as I always knew it should. My concentration levels rose dramatically and my ability  to grasp new concepts was sharp. Where I used to get "lost" in lectures, or even simple conversations, now I'd  exclaim…‘I got it!!' 

 

I can remember driving my car and realising: "Now I can enjoy my life!" It was an incredible moment. And just as real 3 years on. The relationship with my parents transformed spontaneously, and is very beautiful. Three years on and I'm feeling my strength, with non-stop gratitude. 

 

I completed the chemistry Masters degree, which was a wholly enjoyable time, especially at the end where I absolutely loved my Viva Voce. This is the oral exam which ends a postgraduate degree, two academics questioning your thesis in depth. Usually something which students dread, my stability proved itself. I just remember really enjoying it and being very comfortable and natural throughout. It was a beautiful ending to the degree.

 

When I talk about stability I mean when you start TM it takes time for the beneficial effects to be permanent or stabilised. Everyone's physiology is different, depending on the lives we have lived. We live in such a stressed world it takes time for the body's functioning to become normal and stress-free.

These physiological changes, and huge health benefits mean I’m just not as sick, I always used to have colds and flus. 

 

I remember in those early days going into the lab to fabricate something regarded as very difficult which had not been done with any great success at the University before. Effortlessly, all went to plan with perfect results. It was amazing and I remember having a lot of fun with a colleague while doing it.

 

During this time I got a Marie Curie Scholarship to go to Stockholm and do my PhD in the field of bio-mimetic lubrication. This was to be working with a leading professor in the field, at an extremely good rate of pay for a PhD student and on paper you would not turn this down. I went over and visited, but TM was improving my instincts, it wasn't for me, so I turned it down.

 

Another very large benefit I now live with is music. Before TM, I loved music but I couldn't relax with it. Now I'm constantly at an array of gigs, from classical to rock to jazz to pop. I've started learning the piano, drums and guitar, belong to an RnB choir and I'm in talks with a radio station for a show. TM frees you up, unlocks you, to do what you want, without hesitation.

 

Acting is another big one, I've always wanted to act, from an early age. I never told anyone, far too shy about it. This was another wrangle which coincided with the presentation problem. How am I ever going to act if I can't get up in front of people and present. Since learning TM I've attended 4 terms at the Bristol Old Vic Adult Company.

 

Now I’m currently putting together a PhD to start later this year to research Transcendental Meditation. This is at a London University where I will carry out epigenetic, psychological and physiological analysis for a particular patient group. I'm very excited. We live in a scientific age and although there is plenty of research on the benefits of TM, I want to do my own and see its effect at the genetic level.

 

I recommend TM for everyone. It will clean up your problems and fulfil your potential. I spent 10's of thousands of pounds on searching for the end to my problems. In excess of £20,000 in therapy, at least £20,000 in drink and drugs and more than £20,000 in University fees alone. And for a few hundred pound you get a natural technique to let your life flourish and become fulfilled. Don't waste any more time. Learn Transcendental Meditation and have the life you want.